There's nothing better than an afternoon full of Kim Possible cartoons to make me feel much better...ok, that and a whole bunch of happy pills. Now I know why the hell those things are so damn popular...ah...the sudden high-up...too bad I'm right in the middle of the valley low...sigh...hate that part...too damn low...

Oh well...I've gone through two of the three temptations of modern men...too bad the third won't be coming my way anytime soon...hehehe...must get more happy pills...hehehe...

TTFN.

All that writing about secondary school brings up that one memory from eleven years ago, when I was twelve and still in primary school. Somebody told me that my teenage years would be the best years of my life, that I will make the best damn friends of my life and create memories that I will always treasure. To that somebody, I say shove your words of wisdom up that ass of yours.

The floodgates have opened and I can't control it anymore. Screw that so-called teenage years of mine. I'll gladly trade them in for some other years which weren't as painful or as lonely. Friends? What friends? If you can call those stuck-up snobbish dickshits friends, then sure, I've got plenty of those. What about the kids I met in church? Please add the phrase 'sanctimonious and pompous frauds' to the previous sentence. True, not all of them are that but enough are and it makes you wonder, doesn't it? Oh and that bit about memories? Plenty of those, although I'm pretty damn sure I won't treasure a single one of them.

I'm tired of this...I really am but somehow I just can't forget it all...sorry if I sound like a raving lunatic and if I'm too much in my thoughts about other people. I just want to get my hands on those happy pills right now...TTFN.

I'm on a real roll here, aren't I? And I still can't find those damn happy pills.

Anyways, a couple of minutes ago, an ex-classmate from secondary school called. Can you believe it? I hadn't spoken to him in the six years that I left secondary school (that's an exaggeration actually since I met him three months back and we chatted and we exchanged numbers, etc.)

Well, the reason he called was actually a surprise for me. My old class (that is, my class during the Form 4 and Form 5 years) was going to have a reunion and he called to invite me to the reunion. And you know what the real surprise was? I said 'I'll be there.' Now why the hell did I say that?

I hated those years in secondary school, no thanks to the fact that:

1) the school and I spoke a different language, literally speaking (Me, a banana in a Chinese school?)
2) most of the people there were major dickheads (I got dumped by the people I thought were my friends because I didn't want to do Accounts for my Form 4 and Form 5 years. Fucking cocksuckers)
3) some of the teachers there were major dickheads as well (refer to one of my previous postings and not to mention that bitch who looked down on me because I wasn't 'as ambitious as the rest of the class' and later had the balls to reject my work because she thought I cheated for that work. Fucking paradigm shift bitch)

Why the hell did I say yes? It's not like as though as I was actually tight with them or anything. Hell...it's not like as though I was even considered their damn friend. Just the class geek who was the prime target for everyone to pick on.

And some people wonder why I prefer to be alone most of the time. Now to find those damn happy pills so that I don't have to write anymore...TTFN.

I know that I probably shouldn't post another musing up less than half an hour after my previous one but I can't help it. The depression in my mind and my heart is demanding it. I always did write a lot more when I'm depressed...

When I had just finished posting the other musing up just now, I thought 'What if...what I'm about to do is the wrong thing to do? I mean, I stuck by my first decision for two years and it worked out for me. Why should I suddenly perform a 180 and go against two years of rational decision? ' And it's starting to sound so right, this new thought of mine...

God help me...but He won't...because I've turned my back on Him for the past three or so years...so I guess all the suffering will be mine I guess...

Why did I decide to do it in the first place? Because I wanted to say good-bye properly? Because I wanted to be remembered? The decision's already made and now the box lies on my aquariam, staring at me everytime I walk past it. And I'm reminded of her and I get sick in my stomach because I'm thinking 'Am I doing the right thing this time?'

I really need those happy pills right now...TTFN.

...I never existed? Sometimes I think that in the middle of the night when no one is up and when I watching some late night movie because I don't quite feel like sleeping yet. Would the world that I know be a better place or would it still be the same? Makes a person wonder, doesn't it, about the importance of one's self in the order of things.

Would the people around me be happier? Who knows, since I've caused my share of grief and joy. Would things be easier or harder? Can't say either, since sometimes I complicate things and other times I made life much easier? Maybe others might have gone further without me around in their lives to hold back. Then someone might argue, what about those whom I've helped (the little voice that is my conscience says 'Who the hell did I help?' but that's besides the point here).

I don't know why I'm writing this here and now (must be because of the slight depression that's setting in. Been getting a lot of depressive feelings lately. Must break into my friend's house one day and get his stash of happy pills) but it's written down and here am I typing some more. There's no point for me to write this but I did it anyway. There's no one who's going to say 'You're the best damn thing that's ever happened to me' because I've never reached that rank in anyone's life (and those who's going say that to me after I post this up are probably just a bunch of big fat liars anyway) but I've written that down anyway. So why the hell am I writing this down?

God knows. Probably just another extremely random musing I guess...TTFN.

1) Never get into an airplane. The first things that gets gunned down first are always the flying contraptions.

2) Never get into a boat. Aliens love to have steamboats for lunch.

3) Never get into a car. Especially when the aliens have launched an EMP bomb which disables every elecronic device in the area, including the electronics on your car. Also, they love to play football with stationery cars that have people inside them.

4) Never drive a car. Especially when the aliens have launched an EMP bomb which disables every elecronic device in the area, including the electronics on your car. Even more so when you discover a way to make your car start again despite having all your circuitry in the car fried. Aliens love to play "Let's shoot that moving device on that stretch of ground".

5) Do go near a nuclear explosion. Especially if an alien warship is duking it out with the human army. You are guaranteed to survive the entire invasion and even reach your grandmother's house before your father does.

6) Always go into the forests. Aliens never search there. They only think that humans exists inside those square shaped things and therefore only search there.

7) Don't mess with anyone's daughter, especially if the father looks like Tom Cruise. You're guaranteed to lose the fight because you're not as good-looking as the other guy.

8) If you are pregnant during an alien invasion, stay at home. Aliens never attack your home if you're pregnant.

9) If you see a guy who looks like Tom Cruise running towards you, run in the same direction but stay as far from him as you can. Because the people closest to him will be vapourised first in order to get human dust onto him so that he can look old and cool.

10) Don't carry a gun. For God's sakes, haven't you heard of deflector shields that deflect can deflect all kinds of bullets you fire at the target. Use an axe instead. Deflector shields don't work against those, for some strange reason.

And that's my ten tips on how to survive an alien invasion. Follow them so that you can live to see King Kong ravage New York this December ^_^. TTFN.

Komm, susser Tod
There is little to look forward to
Only the end of the road
And bitter memories too.

Komm, susser Tod
The will to live has fled
Into the river's ford
And left the waters running red

Komm, susser Tod
Amour like the sun in the sky
Did look, I thought
As you left with many a goodbye

Komm, susser Tod
But you have gone away
And now my heart is stopped
What more can I say?

Komm, susser Tod
Let it come swift
So that I may lay on a rod
And set my woes adrift

Komm, susser Tod
So that it all ends
And so that my heart ought
be buried in sands

Komm, susser Tod
Come, sweet death
Komm, susser Tod
End this life on earth.


************************************************************************************

Got a little depressed, so I wrote this little poem above. Hope you liked it. TTFN.

You know, for a day where the highlight of it was watching a movie where the monster fly due to explosive flatulence (as in it lit its fart on fire so that it could fly), the important part came at the end of the day when I went out to do a little grocery shopping for tomorrow barbecue dinner.

There I was, at the produce aisle, wondering to myself, what can I make? Should I go for potato and ham again or maybe the good old coleslaw or maybe something a little fruitier? Or howabout the little Garden of Eden recipe that I have in my head? Or how about that giant melon treat? Decisions, decisions....

In the end I made up my mind and bought a few stuffs, only to find out that there may be more people than I had previously estimated. The words 'Oh shit' never entered my mind any sooner than before.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got a knocking infestation which I have to get rid of before it threatens to destroy the whole world? TTFN.

While I'm typing this out, my father is on his laptop, listening to some British radio channel which he managed to stream into media player. And you know what the frightening thing is? If I didn't know it was a British channel, I could have sworn that he was just listening to some local channel, say Light & Easy.

The one thing that this channel was lacking was, well, Malaysian radio ads. Sure, its adverts are still the same annoying things that you hear everyday on whatever local channel that you listen to but the main difference is, no Malaysian accents. They're all Oxford English accents (I think because I've only heard Oxford, Cockney and Liverpool English. Don't know what other types of English English exists).

So here am I, listening to a British radio channel which sounds a lot like a Malaysian radio channel. And what do I have to say about that? Either the world really is a small place, this is an effect of British colonialisation on Malaysia or all radio channels throughout the world pretty much sound the same. Must remember to ask those who are going to Switzerland what Swiss radio channels sound like.

Kom, susser Tod. TTFN.

Note to self: never, ever watch Mr and Mrs Smith alone. Watching the date movie of the summer, if not the year, alone will cause one to have severe fits of depression and extreme loneliness attacks. Of course, the best part of it all is the fact that this is my second viewing of the show and I know this already and still I went out to watch this movie alone.

Stupid, stupid me, to paraphrase Fone Bone. Perfectly good advice from yours truly and I didn't even bother to take it up myself. Guess that just goes to show: do as I say and not as I do. Stupid, stupid me...

Still it was worth the slight depression attack, this second viewing of the movie and I got the whole cinema to myself. Must remember to go for last night movies next time.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got an egg sandwich and a bottle of beer to finish. The many joys of comfort food...TTFN.

I never thought I'd see the day when Stephen King would spoof Harry Potter but as I reach the end of 'Wolves of the Calla', my hand flew to my forehead and I said "Doh!" a la Homer Simpson for not recognising the sneetch any earlier. Hell, it took this particular piece of text to make me realise this:

"SNEETCH"
HARRY POTTER MODEL

Serial # 465-11-AA HPJKR

Doh! Great continuation to the Dark Tower series. Now I just have to wait for the mass market version of 'Song of Susannah' to come out to continue on with the series (this quarter's fiscal budget does not allow for the hardback nor the trade paperback versions).

TTFN.

Receiving gifts is one thing. You just smile, say 'Thank you', you open up the present, you stare at it for a moment or two, you smile at the giver and you say 'Thank you' again. Never mind if you like the damn thing or not. It's just common courtesy to do that.

Giving gifts, on the other hand...now that's a whole new ball game. First you have to look for the right present, then you have to look for the right packaging, then you need to decide whether you need to wrap the package up or not. After that, you have to decide when is the right time to give to gift, whether or not it's the correct thing to do (giving the present), etc. etc. etc.

Why did I even bother with this?

Because it's the only thing way I can say good bye without ever actually saying those damn words and because it's the only way I can think of telling her what I think of her without actually telling her. As some would say, I'm a big piece of chickhen shit but that's just who I am, I guess. TTFN.

My brother came back from school complaining about his principal. He said that his principal told him that he was wearing his pants too low and that he should pull it up even higher, right up to his belly button's height. I took one look at his pants at that moment and I said, "Your principal is nuts, you know that?"

Of course, I was reminded of something else, about my ex-school principal and how he did the same thing to some of my other classmates (I got picked on because of my hair. Apparently the back of my hair was too long, even though it wasn't touching the collar and nevermind my fringe which was touching my mouth).

The two things I noticed that was similar about these two principals was that they both had expanding waistlines and that they tried to wear their pants above their hips. Asides from being the epitome of uncoolness and unhipness, this has led me to one wild and startling conclusion: All male principals have expanding waistlines and love to wear their pants above their hips.

Why? Because they can't see their penises. ^_^ And they're jealous of their students who can see their penises. Hahahaha.

Man I love this rant. TTFN.

Never had a stranger thing happen to me in my entire life: I went for a nap at 8.00 p.m. at night and woke up at 10.00 a.m. this morning. That's right folks, I was out for 14 hours without ever realising it. Curse you, Sandman for causing this to happen!

Not that I don't enjoy a decent sleep but that was too damn long for me to handle. Especially since everyone is going to be leaving soon one way or the other and I want to be online as much as I can so that I can meet them or be prepared for a midnight drive through town...

TTFN.

If anyone of you were watching the Indianapolis race last night, you'll agree with me on this. If you weren't you'll still agree with me on this.

Never have I seen such a fucked up race in my entire life where 70% of the cars were forced to retire due to a tire problem before the race even started. What the fuck is up with that? Can't those people in the F1 allow for the cars to have a tire change in this circumstance so that at least the people can have a proper race to watch? Especially the ones who paid big bucks to watch the race live. I can understand why they threw the bottles and the cans into the track even though I have to agree with commentators on this one.

One of the many fucked up things with F1 and it'll continue to be like this if they don't shape up and make the necessary changes. We want a race, not a fucking arbiter of rules and regulations that is F1.

TTFN.

Father's Day has gone and past and I've got quite a few things to say about it after a day spent regretting the fact that I could not meet the creator of the underwear golem (don't ask), a dinner at KFC followed by a grand shopping spree with my dad and family(I picked up a new mic and Wolves of the Calla. Yay! Now I have two more books in the series left to collect ^_^).

From what I've seen, it's a hard job being a father. After all, everyone says "Love your mother seven times before you love your father" or gives the mother title to everything in nature (or they just simply take the shortcut and just say 'Mother Nature'). No one really looks at what daddy does. After all, he's got the lucky job of fucking mom and holding her hand while she watches a steel knife slicing open her stomach (a.k.a. giving birth via C-section to the brat who's typing this out).

And when it comes to the fathering...it's even shittier when all of your kids just go off and do as they wish and not give a single damn about what you say. You want to hate them and kill them and when the time comes for them to leave, suddenly it's like chopping off your arms and legs and watching as they're thrown into the sea and devoured by sharks.

It's the hardest job in the world and something that I wouldn't want to do in the future. But who am I to say what the future holds for me? Maybe I'll get married and I'll be fined for littering (get it?). Or maybe I won't. Maybe I'll be the greatest father in the world. Or I might turn out to be a child abuser. I can't say.

But I can say this though: Happy Father's Day to all the fathers in the world, especially to mine. I've never said it to you in person nor am I the type who will but thanks for everything that you have done for me. That's why I hope I'll never have to be a dad in years to come ^_^

TTFN.

Enough about my miserable love life. Besides, there's other things that I want to write about today anyways.

What's in a name? Why do names matter so much to us? Does it give us our very identity or does it serve only as a way for people to call us by and to differentiate us from others? Are we able to exist without our names in the first place?

I use several names whenever I hit the Internet, which usually consists of certain prefixes and suffixes that haven't change through the years. They are: Heaven, Seraph, Gates, Grape and Wolf. Sometimes I combine them with each other (e.g. Heavenly Gates, Seraphic Gates, etc) or sometimes other words (e.g. FireSeraph, Grapeforlife, Nightwolf) or even on their own (Seraph, Grape). Never once did I use my real name for my Internet psedonyms. It seems almost like a taboo for me.

I suppose part of the reason lies in the fact that I wanted to have a more exotic name than the name I have at the moment. Something that'll make me stand out in the crowd (although Seraph is now taboo due to the fact that the Wachowski Brothers ripped that nick of me and used it on one of the stupidest movie character I've ever seen).

That's one. What about the other part of the reason? I don't know yet. One day I'll get the answer and you guys will be the first to know. This I promise to you guys. TTFN.

I've been doing a lot of thinking today, more than usual, I suppose. And my mind ended up on puppies for the most part. They start of as little tiny fuzzballs that make everyone go "Aww, so cute!" that later evolve into fuzzballs that make a lot of noise especially if they fall into the drain, which of course have the effect of making everyone go "Poor thing, it's stuck in the drain. Let's go save it!" After that, they grow up into dogs. Depending on the breed that you have, you either wind up with:
a) grossly over-sized mutts that resemble nothing like that the original puppy that made your heart bleed itself dry everytime you see it or
b) a slightly bigger version of the tiny puppy that you fell in love with

Most people usually end up with (a). A lucky few, like a friend of mine who's now in the States pursuing his doctorate, ended up with a thirteen-year old bitch who looks like as though she's still four months old. Damn Pomeranians!

All these thoughts about dogs led on to something else entirely different, of course, knowing the way my mind strays from one chain of thought to another. I ended up thinking about the Venus of my heart and how she looks so fine right now...

Maybe it's not too different, puppies and love. Could we still love the one whom we love now thirty years from now even if they end up looking like (a) instead of (b)? We say we can but when the time comes, will we be able to do so?

She'll be leaving soon, the Venus of my heart and I know that she will change a lot when she returns back home. Will my affections be directed to someone else or will my heart still belong to her? Will I still care for her even if the changes are not to my liking? Or will I fall even more in love with her?

Who knows? I'm just a guy who thinks too much and because of that, does not act on his decisions. Sometimes, I just hate myself...

TTFN.

Dreams are funny things, don't you think? Whether they are the product of REM (rapid eye movement) or visions of the future or a gift of God, they sure can make sleep a strange encounter for a person to go through.

Take this dream I had for example. In it, I was walking down a long, dark corridor and there were doors to my left and to my right. Kinda like in the Matrix, only the corridors weren't white and I sure as hell wasn't Neo in my dreams.

While I was walking down this corridor, I heard something. I wasn't exactly sure what it was so I stopped to listen. I listened and listened and then it hit me: it was the sound of somebody singing. I began to race down the corridor, hoping that I could track down the singing.

As I continued running, the corridor grew brighter and brighter and the singing grew louder and louder until I thought I could recognise the voice of the singer. But I still ran and ran, hoping to find the right door that could open up to the singer.

And then I find the right door and I open it. Beyond the door, was a small room and inside the room was the Venus of my heart, singing a song to a crowd that was as big as the whole world. I can't remember exactly what it was she was wearing but I remember thinking, God...she looks so damn beautiful tonight. Let her stay this way forever...

And she continued to sing as I stood at the doorway, listening to the sound of her voice and drinking in the sight of her back. Finally she finished her song and she turns around and sees me. She smiles that beautiful smile of hers and she says, Goodbye, that was my final song. Thanks for turning up and listening to it.

I remember nodding my head as she leapt into the crowd, which suddenly turn into a vast ocean and I watched as she floated away. I remember wanting to say something to her but my lips were sealed shut and I could only watch her float away into the blue sky before I woke up.

Weird dream, isn't it? At least it makes for a weird story which I can share with you guys. TTFN.

Watched it last night with a couple of friends and damn, that was one good movie. Only two things to nitpick about and that's 1) the Bat-mobile and 2)Katie Holmes.

Why? Simple. 1) The Bat-mobile looks like a bloody tank as compared to the original one and that makes it look damn bloody ugly. Okay, this one is suppose to be the first Bat-mobile so I can let this one slip under but 2) is a little bit more sterner: Katie Holmes was totally pointless in this movie and her final scene with Christian Bale had a forced feeling about it.

Besides those two points, Batman Begins is definitely worth your money. Go and watch it or else the ghost of Bob Kane will descend upon you and wreck some gothic terror on you ^_^ TTFN

Today is D-Day, the day when test results will be given out to everyone, or at least that's what I heard. While I'm not too concerned about what I get, there is still a certain amount of apprehension though. Why, you may ask. Well, the answer is pretty simple: money.

See, I've been promised a certain amount of cash based on the results that I score (somewhere in the vicinity of RM500 per A if I'm not mistaken) and hopefully I manage to get a couple of good results so that I can secure that cashflow. If not...well there's always the global banking system, I guess.

So, here goes nothing. Ooga chaka, ooga chaka, ooga chak, more money, more money, more money...^_^TTFN

Right before I'm about to do something really stupid, I get nervous and start having 28 thoughts about it. Is it the right thing to do? Is that another way to do it? Should I even bother doing it at all?

Sometimes I end up doing it. Other times I don't. I wish I didn't have to it but I think I will do it anyways. TTFN.

What is love? As far as I know there's several categories of love that exists which include:

1. Eros - Sexual love or physical love. A.K.A. I like you because you look pretty or some such other thing.
2. Philo - Brotherly love. Love that is gained from a common bond
3. Storge - Friendship love. I love you because you are my friend
4. Platonic - Non-sexual love. Some of you will be gasping at this but such love do exist

So what the hell I am writing all this for? I don't know. But everyone was talking to me about love in one form or another and it just piled in on me today so I went off to do some cursory research on love and came up with this.

Well...this is called Extremely Random Musings for a reason ^_^

So what does fear have to do with love? Simple. Have you ever felt something so strongly for someone that it feels almost like love but yet still feel so much fear whenever you speak to or even see that someone? Fear of pity, fear of rejection, fear of acceptance, fear of possibilities and the list goes on.

Why am I so afraid? Because I think too much I guess and thoughts leads to all kinds of fears that eventually cropped up in my mind. That's one of the reasons why I never did tell her the truth. But, I think, better that she doesn't know the truth and torture myself than to have her know it and cause double torture.

Love and fear. We can't live with them nor can we live without them. That totally sucks.

Well, I think I better go off for that scheduled swim tonight. If any of you guys are reading this and you know who you are, thanks for trying to help me but I don't think I'll ever work up the courage to overcome my fear. Also thanks for the good time today. TTFN.

My new dog. He will drive me Bonkers, I swear ^_^ 

No, I'm not dead yet in case anyone of you was wondering. Just had a long D&D session at my friend's place which lasted from 2 p.m. all the way up to 1 a.m. But I digress.

The one thing that is constantly bugging my mind ever since Saturday night was the fact that there was quite a number of people who seemed to be relatively interested in my love live. I mean, what do most people think I am, a stone cold android who has absolutely no shred of human emotion whatsoever? I know I'm emotionally retarded but I don't think I was that bad...was I?

Of course with the constant barrage of advice flooding my way, I'm going to have to find a way to filter the stuff that I'm getting otherwise I'm going to overload again. Where is that head filter when you need one in reality...

But seriously. If you guys are out there reading, thanks a lot. I just might take your advice to heart. I'm not going to say what it is here but you know what it is. TTFN.

Nothing confuses a person more than a day where two totally different things happen. On the one hand, there was a new addition in my family today, my dog's grandson which we've decided to call Bonkers because I swear to God that four dogs in the house will drive me bonkers. On the other hand, I've spent most of the day of my girlfriend's, now ex's house, watching anime before we reverted back to pre-couple a.k.a. just friends status. It's two different ends of the happy-sad metre which could drive a person insane. I mean I don't know whether I should be happy or sad or whether I should just crawl back into the old shell and hide in there again.

Maybe I should just stick a gun to my head and pull the trigger. That'll make my live so much easier. We'll see what happens tomorrow. TTFN.

Somebody once said, "Today is the first day of the rest of your life." For the life of me, I just can't figure out who the hell said that but hey, it works. Today marks the first day of this blog and there isn't much to post in this blog save to say that this will be the start of a very strange and interesting journey for me.

Why did I start this blog anyways? Who knows. Inspiration from a fellow classmate who has one or maybe the fact that I'm just plain bored with nothing else to do and plenty of thoughts swirling around in my head that I should get out of my head before my head goes pop and I get myself commited in an asylum for my troubles.

The point is, I've started one and right now I'm just putting my thoughts into words and it feels.......right somehow. I just can't put it out into words right now but maybe someday, I'll find the right words to describe how I feel. TTFN.